God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
