i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
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Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
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so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Oh god it's open bar.
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