hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
