grandma shit on top of the toilet
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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