At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
