I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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