He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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