I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
