is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
