fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
