how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
