You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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