THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
