Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
