I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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