clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
