i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He better not be in your backpack
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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