I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
