I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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