apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
