There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
