So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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