Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
