I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
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If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
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Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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