this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
