God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
