Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
