I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
