There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Is Oprah even human
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
