My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
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I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
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The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize