i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
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My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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