I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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