Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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