We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's shark week go big or go home
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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