the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
