I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
