forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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