i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize