I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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