In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
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FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
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I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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