why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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