I can text with my tongue
I skipped work to stalk him.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
