I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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