i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
