I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
