I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
