I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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