Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
