If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
