if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
