It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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