i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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