Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Blood and glitter go together right?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
