Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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