goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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