If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
