I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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