I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
