first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
